Just

Sometimes I feel like a failure. Actually, for the most of this semester and the last. I’m not even going to try to phrase my thoughts eloquently because I don’t even speak most days anymore. To a certain extent, I am really disappointed in myself. Whatever happened to the progress I had made back at Hofstra? It seemed like forever since I was somebody to myself. I can’t even take myself seriously most of the times. I don’t trust myself with decisions. I can’t take the leap of faith that things are going to be better because for 2 whole semesters, I just come crashing down each time. Perhaps the cold made things harder. Perhaps the loneliness caught up with me. But what I don’t wish to admit is that maybe I’m the one who’s weak. So many people have been through hardships and failures, but they still bounce back. Why can’t I be one of them? Why can’t I get out of bed and just go make it a good day. The nightmares come and go. Today, it kept me up from 6am. I look to my left and right, and find myself feeling inferior. No one is going to listen to what I have to say, that’s why I craft seemingly intelligent things here to give myself the illusion – that maybe I’ve still got it. Maybe I would feel so much better if I’m one of those people who don’t care. But I do, so much. And I’m so tired of trying just to fall flat on my face. Can we skip to where things get better? Just, okay?

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