So this might be a new installment on my blog, I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I’ve always been pretty intrigued by dreams – the way brains filter and compartmentalize new information into long term/ short term memories, and certain subconscious material weaving itself into dreams once in a while. At times, I’m surprised by how emotionally connected I am in my dreams, making me wake up mentally drained.
Last night I had a rather strange/ nonsensical one again. It seemed like a scene out of Divergent, where we had to complete certain tasks within different groups. I don’t remember the details of it… but it’s the first one that I saw my male romantic lead’s face. In the past, I would never see their faces, only remember how I felt. It was a short sequence where I accidentally opened his letter – Conner/ Cooke or something, he was called. He didn’t leave a huge impression on me because he was just another lean, normal kid of average height.
From afar, a girl was seriously crushing on him, gushing at him like a fan girl. While he was flattered, he just politely turned her down. And then after some other tasks, we all gathered in a building where he happened to brush up against me. He asked me out to do something. I didn’t really know what to think. The first was – was this guy a player? He attracted so many girls for some reason or another. The next – why was he asking ME, out of everyone else. So I questioned him: “there was a girl who was very interested in you, why don’t you ask her out?” And he said he’s not interested in her. I asked him how he would know before even trying, and he said he just knew. “Are you sure?” I asked, again and again for probably a dozen times. At last, he said, “I really like you, I don’t really understand why, but would you please come (insert activity like seashell picking) with me?” I don’t know what finally made me change my mind but I took the hand he held out to me. He then effortlessly walked down some steep steps, holding my hand the whole time. It was a simple thing, but I was very touched when he pushed the rubbish away for me to have a better balance on the steps. The last thing I remembered was the warmth of his hand.
I guess a part of me really wanted to feel what it’s like to be treasured by someone else – to be someone else’s priority. It’s a tough time when all your good friends are attached. Some of them whom you’ve known your whole life and then a guy just comes along and steals her away from you. The newest details you don’t know, because they’re all now shared with their “significant others”. (note jealousy here). But in all seriousness, I guess what one of my good friend said is true…the intimacy and bond with a boyfriend and potential future family member just isn’t the same as a close friend. It still doesn’t stop me from wishing I’m still no. 1 to them. Darn you, boyfriends of my good friends. And then a part of me is just suspicious that there will even be someone out there who finds me remotely attractive. I don’t know how the initial stages work – the flirting, the -whatever it is before getting to know someone really well- and I don’t really think that anyone will choose me when there is a whole world of girls smarter, prettier, more outgoing than I’d ever be… I guess I’ll be living in my dreams for a while.