Today was the day of the TedxNYU conference, all those edits of multiple speakers’ draft finally came to fruition. It was honestly such an amazing experience, and all those fears that something might go wrong was replaced by this gratefulness that everyone rose to the occasion and delivered the best speech they have ever prepared. Even though I have heard different versions of some of the speeches throughout the past couple of months, some of them still pulled at my heartstrings, making me feel so overwhelmed. Especially this one thought – what makes life worth living?

These couple of weeks, all these emotions have been building inside me. I feel like I just couldn’t manage my life anymore, like everything is out of my control. Mostly disappointment in every facet of my life. In work, I was behind on grading and had to cut sleep and skip classes to finish them. The displeased tone from above, I get it, I really do. In academics, I always pull through last minute, but because of my club events and stuff, I’m so behind on financial modeling that I’ve only just begun when others are wrapping up. The idealist in me was once again upset when group projects don’t work out the way they should – the free-riders make me lose faith in people more and more, because I still expect the community effort, but had to reconcile this gap of the selfish individualistic norm. And then of course I would get really bad gastric pain and had to skip classes and get it again on other days when this only used to happen infrequently post mid-terms/ finals. And because of this I wasn’t able to attend dress rehearsal, which made me more mad at myself than anything. I feel like I’m doing this adult thing worse and worse. I feel so anxious so often and going to classes somehow makes me feel like I don’t and can’t fit in anywhere. These are all situational I guess, maybe the I’m cracking under the pressure.

What makes life worth living? What is even there to look forward to?

The talk touched upon how it’s really up to us to make choices every day, and the expectations really shouldn’t determine how we choose. I don’t know, I see myself going down this hole and getting all cooped inside, I don’t know what to choose. Still a work-in-progress..

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