It has been a while since I’ve written. It’s just me and my thoughts, now that my parents and my good friend have left for home. This week has been hard, because of some unforeseen circumstances that I only have myself to blame for. Graduation has come and gone. For this period, it’s the last before embarking on adulthood.
The reality of work is setting in, and the harshness – the impatience – the intolerance of it all is making me more than ever, anxious about keeping sight of the ambitions. It’s not a walk in the park, nor some fairytale bliss. I’ve been downing myself in videos reminiscent of the dreams I used to conjure when I was younger, and the unrealistic unachievable goals in movies that still capture and draw me into that world that has my heart soaring in unattainable joy.
Today was one of those days that I just could not concentrate on studying. So I grabbed a Nicholas Sparks book, one that I had bought during the semester but had no time to go beyond a chapter, and set off to find something in place of my solitude. “Message in a Bottle” as I later learned, was one of his first books. There was something comforting about that old pursuit of romance, where communication meant phone calls and research meant tracing hardcopies and experts. There I was, with a bubble tea in hand, sitting at the outside tables, totally immersed in the little world between Boston and Wilmington, North Carolina. Those words, so beautiful, so heartbreaking – how could you not fall in love with a character like that? I got to chapter 9, before I felt like the little world of mine needed some privacy for me to cry, laugh and cry some more. I did none of the crying later on, but I did finish the book. My heart, as absurd as it sounds, felt like it broke into a million pieces at the end of it all. How, could it be so unresolved? And where on Earth would I find love like that? So vulnerable, so consuming, yet so satisfying and so hopeful. They only exist in books and films I suppose. Stop it, you dreamer, stop desiring something that is infallible.
A small excerpt from the novel:
“March 6, 1994
My Darling Catherine,
Where are you? And why, I wonder as I sit alone in a darkened house, have we been forced apart? I don’t know the answer to these questions, no matter how hard I try to understand. The reason is plain, but my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by anxiety in all my waking hours. I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things, and I am nothing at all. This, my darling, is my life without you. I long for you to show me how to live again.
Is it possible that you know how I feel without you? When I dream, I like to think you do. Before we came together, I moved through life without meaning, without reason. I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together.
But now, alone in my house, I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless him, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.